For readers that don’t know me, I am not just a huge sports fan. I am also a really big nerd when it comes to superheroes. I have seen every movie from the Marvel Cinematic Universe and most other superhero movies from the Dark Knight Trilogy to the X-Men movies to the unfavorable DC Extended Universe. That being said, of course I saw Avengers: Infinity War Friday night. After I had my heart ripped out of my chest and my mind turned into a pretzel, I got to thinking, what would a Marvel sports team look like?
We could do this with any sport, but I think football would be the best one to use since it requires a lot of athletic ability such as speed, strength, jumping ability, and agility. However, it obviously can’t be normal football. It would be way too easy and maybe even a little dumb to have Hulk barreling through eleven defenseless defenders for 100 yards. So we have to change the game a little bit.
First, the field isn’t a normal football field. We’re gonna have to imagine a field that is probably five times the size of a regular field. The field will also have walls and a ceiling surrounding it that the players can use as part of the playing field. Maybe the ground is crumbling beneath the teams too. Why not? Also, we can’t have linemen. It has to be 7-on-7 football because obviously the lineman would be guys like The Hulk who would be too tall for the quarterback to see over.
Now that we know what we’re working with … Avengers, ASSEMBLE!
Quarterback – Hawkeye
- What?! Not Captain America?! No. Sorry Cap but this isn’t ultimate frisbee. Hawkeye’s accuracy can’t be overlooked when selecting our quarterback. He’s also a key member to the Avengers so this team needs him.
Runningback – QuickSilver
- QuickSilver would HAVE to be on this team. You can’t not include a guy who runs a -4.2 40. That’s right. Negative 4.2! What does that mean? I don’t know. The point is, he’s fast! We’re sticking him in the backfield because it’d be a little easier to hand the ball off to him than it would be to perfectly time a pass to him.
Fullback – The Thing
- The Thing is perfect to be a leading blocker out of the backfield. Defenders won’t be getting past him easily and it will definitely be difficult to tackle him when he gets the ball in short yardage situations.
Tight End – Thor
- Thor just looks like a Tight End doesn’t he? His strength makes him a great blocker and his speed and agility make him a great ball carrier. His hammer and ability to control thunder make him … scary.
Slot Receiver – Deadpool
- Why not? Receivers are usually trash talkers right?
Left Wide Out – Falcon
- Who better to lead the Air Raid than a guy who can literally fly? Falcon also comes from a military background so he’s very athletic and a good leader.
Right Wide Out – Spider-Man
- Your friendly neighborhood web-slinger is likely going to be splitting out wide for this team. He’s probably the most agile of the bunch, he can swing over defenders, and his hands are sticky enough to crawl on walls so he’s not dropping anything coming his way.
Left Corner – The Human Torch
- You need flyers to stop flyers. Torch is also one of the fastest Marvel heroes. He can’t be used on offense though because the ball would disintegrate if he caught it.
Safeties – Iron Man & War Machine
- This duo is perfect for covering deep. Jarvis or Friday could help Tony figure out what plays the offense is drawing up to help them stay ahead of the game. Is that cheating? #JarvisGate
Right Corner – Black Panther
- We can’t leave the King of Wakanda out! He’s strong, fast, and his vibranium suit and claws will put fear in the hearts of ballcarriers.
Left Outside Linebacker – Wolverine
- Who would put more fear in the heart of a quarterback, Lawrence Taylor or Wolverine? I rest my case.
Middle Linebacker – Captain America
- Is there a better person to lead the defense than Cap? I know it was disrespectful not to make him the quarterback but the Mike is usually the QB of the defense! Plus, Cap’s superhuman strength and athleticism might be better suited on defense anyway.
Right Outside Linebacker – The Incredible Hulk
- Hulk does one thing and it happens to be perfect for a linebacker: SMASH.